Part 2 of our Emotional Intelligence Series. For part 1 on self-awareness, click here
Have you ever been caught in that moment? A critical deadline has shifted yet again. Your team looks to you with anxious eyes. Your inbox is overflowing. and then, an important customer calls to ask to speak to you with a complaint.
In that precise moment, what happens inside you determines what happens around you.
As leaders, we’re not just responsible for results, we’re responsible for the emotional climate in which those results happen. How we manage ourselves when pressure mounts shapes how our teams respond, how decisions get made, and ultimately, the culture we create.
That’s where self-regulation comes in.
What Is Self-Regulation, really?
Let’s be clear straightaway, self-regulation isn’t about suppressing your emotions or putting on a brave face. We’re all human, after all.
Self-regulation is about recognising your emotional state, understanding its impact on your behaviour, and then choosing a response that aligns with your values and goals as a leader. It’s the gap between feeling and acting, that precious space where leadership truly happens.
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
– often attributed to Viktor Frankl
Think of it this way: as children, we react directly to how we feel. Happy? We laugh. Angry? We might throw a tantrum. But as adults, especially as leaders, we can develop the capability to feel emotions without being ruled by them.
Our brains naturally create pathways for reacting to situations. When we repeatedly respond in certain ways, those pathways deepen. The brilliant news is that we can create new pathways through conscious practice. It’s rather like creating a new path across a field, each time you walk along the same path, it becomes more defined.
Why Your Self-Regulation Defines Your Leadership
Have you noticed how quickly people form impressions of leaders? It’s rarely based on what you say in your carefully crafted presentations. More often, it’s how you respond when things don’t go to plan.
Your team is constantly taking cues from your behaviour. They notice whether you remain composed during crises or become visibly frustrated. They observe whether you listen thoughtfully to criticism or become defensive. These observations form the foundation of trust.
I’ve seen organisations where the leadership mood swings create a culture of walking on eggshells. Team members spend valuable energy trying to gauge “what kind of day it is” rather than focusing on innovation and performance.
The opposite is also true. Leaders who demonstrate consistent emotional regulation create psychological safety. Their teams know what to expect, even in challenging circumstances. This consistency doesn’t mean being robotic, it means being reliably human in the most constructive way.
The Common Self-Regulation Challenges We All Face
We all have our triggers – those situations that can hijack our best intentions.
For some, it’s feeling criticised in public. For others, it’s time pressure or conflicting demands. Sometimes it’s as simple as that email that lands at the wrong moment or the meeting that runs over when your day is already packed.
Many of us haven’t moved far beyond our childhood reaction patterns. We might not throw ourselves on the floor anymore, but we might withdraw, become passive-aggressive, or respond with disproportionate frustration.
I once worked with a senior leader who would respond to unexpected problems by immediately jumping to assign blame. The impact? Her team stopped bringing issues to her attention until they were too large to hide, creating even bigger problems.
The cost of poor self-regulation ripples through organisations. It damages relationships, clouds decision-making, and erodes leadership credibility. Worst of all, it gives others permission to behave in the same way
Building Your Self-Regulation Muscle
Here’s the good news: self-regulation is like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the stronger it becomes. Even if you don’t consider yourself naturally even-tempered, you can develop this capacity through intentional practice.
Let’s explore five techniques that make a meaningful difference:
- Pause and breathe. When you feel that initial surge of emotion, take a deliberate pause. Even a few seconds of deep breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system, bringing you back to a state where you can choose your response rather than simply reacting.
- Name your emotional state. There’s remarkable power in simply acknowledging what you’re feeling. “I’m noticing I’m feeling frustrated” creates distance between you and the emotion. You’re not denying the feeling, you’re simply observing it rather than becoming it.
- Reframe the situation. The stories we tell ourselves about what’s happening drive our emotional responses. Can you view the challenge as an opportunity to learn? Can you see anxiety as helpful energy? Reframing doesn’t change the facts, but it changes how we experience them.
- Create space when needed. Sometimes the wisest response is “Let me think about that and get back to you.” Taking a short break, whether it’s stepping outside for fresh air or suggesting a follow-up meeting, can be the difference between a reaction you’ll regret and a response you’ll be proud of.
- Know your triggers and recovery techniques. Self-awareness and self-regulation go hand in hand. Identify the situations that typically challenge your composure and develop personalised techniques for returning to balance. Some find a quick walk helps, while others benefit from jotting down thoughts before responding.
Putting Self-Regulation into Practice in Leadership Moments
Let’s look at how these principles apply in common leadership scenarios:
In meetings: When someone challenges your idea or presents conflicting information, take a breath before responding. Ask clarifying questions rather than jumping to defend your position. This demonstrates openness and models constructive dialogue.
During crises: Acknowledge the seriousness without catastrophising. Your team needs your clear thinking more than your panic. Communicate with confidence that focuses on next steps rather than dwelling on what’s gone wrong.
In one-to-one conversations: When providing difficult feedback, notice if you’re feeling uncomfortable and might rush through the conversation. Slow down. Create space for genuine dialogue by managing your own discomfort.
To strengthen your self-regulation, regularly ask yourself: “How did I respond to challenging situations this week? What triggered me? What state would I have preferred to be in? What might help next time?”
The Ripple Effect of Regulated Leadership
When you strengthen your self-regulation, you become a better leader and you create space for others to develop their best selves too.
Teams led by emotionally regulated leaders report higher job satisfaction, demonstrate greater creativity, and show more resilience during change. They communicate more openly about challenges because they know their leader can handle the truth without shooting the messenger.
And of course, self-regulation benefits you personally as well. Leaders who manage their emotional responses effectively experience less stress and burnout. They preserve energy for what matters most – both at work and beyond.
As you continue developing this crucial aspect of emotional intelligence, remember that perfection isn’t the goal. We all have moments where emotions get the better of us. The difference lies in how quickly we recognise those moments, learn from them, and return to our leadership centre.
In our next article in this Emotional Intelligence series, we’ll explore motivation, the internal drive that fuels sustained leadership excellence.
Your Next Step
Today, I invite you to reflect: What state do you want to be in when pressure hits? What one technique from this article could you practise this week to strengthen your self-regulation muscle?
We’d love to hear your experiences and insights. And if you’d like to know more about how we can support your team in enhancing emotional intelligence, discovering new ways to connect, and building strong relationships with others, please get in touch
